Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Jewish Wonder

I find myself in sticky situations sometimes, and I mean that figuratively, and literally. This time it was the figuratively sense, though still funny in a "God damn it, why is this always so awkward" type of moment. So enter, "The Jewish Wonder"...





It all started out innocent enough. The Jewish Wonder and I have known each other for quite a few years, and we even have some similar multi-circle background ties to boot. He's a very nice guy, one who can be a decent conversation (though his slight lisp grates on me a bit... I'm a bitch), and is always up for a impromptu night out for beer and pizza. So this is wonderful, The Jewish Wonder is snugly where he belongs, in the "friend box".

So, some time last week I'm bored and I decide to hit up the JW for the impromptu trip of mass calorie consumption at the local dive bar. Of course, he's up for it and can meet me in about 20 mins. Great! Even faster than delivery pizza, score for me. We meet at said local dive and get our pizza and beer and begin chatting it up some, doing the proverbial catch up game. Something is a bit different this time with JW's drinking habits, they are a lot greater than they were in the past, and they aren't just beer, but straight up whiskey on the rocks (someone had a bad week). I don't judge, I just go along chatting away, and the chat gets moderately sexual as we decide to play a game of "I've never". I know, shocker that a conversation I'm involved in turned R rated. Anyfuck... we were having great fun and I was learning a whole slew of new things about the JW that I would have never guessed. Multiple threesomes? Yes mam'! I would have never guessed it of the JW, but I guess I was wrong. So we close down the bar but haven't finished our game and decide to go back to his place, which is about 1/4 of a mile from the bar (really, just a random fact, no particular need for that one).

Here I am now, situated on the JW's apartment floor petting his morbidly obese cat (sidenote: overfeeding your animals is not love, it's abuse people). At this point I switch to a really pussy light Smirnoff something-or-other mixed drink, and JW sticks with the hard stuff. We eventually get through a few drinks, the rest of our fingers, and a sizable amount of morality. Now we decide to watch a movie.  I know what you're thinking dear reader who is not drunk and is reading this from the outside: stupid wife fluffer, watching a movie is just code for "lets go hook up". But you see, I wasn't thinking anywhere near this realm because the JW and I had known each other for years with no incident at all.  There we are, watching... whatever... and he uses the dumbest transition ever. You know those stupid sumo wrestler fat suits that people put on and wrestle each other in? Well, that's what was up on the screen at the moment. And the JW takes this opportune time to ask me if I've ever wrestled anyone like that before. At this point, my eyes are mostly closed and I'm almost knocked out, but I all of a sudden feel a shift of weight in my direction.

Shit. Shit. Move. Shit.

So I come back to this world, push him off of me and say "easy killer". To which he responds "that is the hardest I've ever been rejected". Umm... sorry?!?! I'm my eyes I wasn't sending many signals to the JW, except being dumb and accepting the movie invite which i was too drunk and tired to even realize.

This is where I'd like to impart some wisdom. Some telltale signs that a guy is into you, when you wouldn't think so:

- He starts copying you in things he's interested in, like hobbies, or similar style of dress. If a guy begins all of a sudden showing an interest in swimming and still uses floaty wings, or tells you how much he enjoyed the last episode of The Bachelor too, then he's most likely into you. Imitation is the best form of flattery.

- He ignores your ass. Now, this sounds counter productive. This is because men, are idiots. They begin over thinking things and believe they are being too obvious and pushing you too hard and in response, disappear. Warning on this one: don't think that ever guy who is ignoring you has the hots for you. He might just be ignoring you because you're a bitch.

- He invites you to church/ Sunday brunch/ parent's birthday/ something equally huge involving family. I would think that you wouldn't be an daft fool and think he didn't like you if this happened, but there is a chance that you might freak out and ruin everything by treating the encounter incorrectly. Don't try too hard, and don't slobber and hang all over the boy.

- He probes into the relationships you have with other guys. No dear faun, he is not necessarily trying to secure a spot in your friend box, but is more likely trying to scope out his competition so he can figure out how to attack and defeat it.

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